Sharon Stone loses custody of her kids... And here's why:

HER ADVICE TO TEENAGERS ON HOW TO AVOID RAPE: "I said to the girl, 'I'd like to give you a two-minute conversation about sex.' "Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. "If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."

SAYS SUCH CLASSY THINGS ABOUT THE GUY SHE'S DATING: Dated Dwight Yoakam in the early 1990s, and was rather famously quoted as saying, "Kissing Dwight is like eating a dirt sandwich.

HER RESPONSE TO 80,000 PEOPLE DEAD IN CHINA AFTER AN EARTHQUAKE: "Then all this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice, that the bad things happen to you?"

SHE SUPPORTS THE BLACK MARKET: In 2005, Stone raised over $250 thousand for mosquito nets in Tanzania to combat a malaria outbreak, talking UNICEF into diverting critical funds to raise an additional $750 thousands. Without doing her research, she didn't know that mosquito nets were not the problem and that she was being conned. She impulsively spent the money on the nets, and had them sent immediately. Much of the materials were hijacked by the Tanzanian government to create black market wedding dresses. The rest of the materials disappeared without a trace.

SHE'S RELIGIOUSLY CONFUSED: In the early 1990s, Stone became a member of the Church of Scientology. Stone remained with the religion until recently when she converted to Tibetan Buddhism after fellow actor Richard Gere introduced her to the Dalai Lama. She is an ordained minister with the Universal Life Church.

SHE'S A STINKIN' LIAR: Used to claim she was a member of the high IQ society known as "Mensa," but finally recanted after being confronted with evidence that she was not... Jim Blackmore of Mensa said, "It's delightful to finally see Ms. Stone admit that she's not and never has been a member of our society. But then she goes on to say, 'I went to a Mensa school.' Not so." Blackmore said that would not have been possible as there have been no Mensa schools since the early 1960s.

Okay, so nobody's perfect... But check this out: Not even Arnold Schwarzenegger can trust her!...

"Heroes" Star Hayden Panettiere's says legally she could "murder someone"!

Her stock just went up in my book.

Check out her spoof public service commercial for voting (then watch the "Heroes" season premiere Sept. 22 on NBC)...

See more Judd Apatow videos at Funny or Die

David Duchovny is addicted to internet porn... Welcome to the club, pal!!!

So, it's been a couple of weeks since David Duchovny checked himself into rehab for sex addiction. Rumors flew about a fling with a tennis instructor bringing this whole public display of personal drama.

Now the official word from a "friend" is that he had no extramarital affairs. He was only addicted to internet porn.

Big, fuckin' whoop.

If this claim is true, this is how I see it going down...

Tea Leoni walks in from market with kid in tow to find Mulder naked in the living room jackin' it to Ron Jeremy blowing a load on Tera Patrick's face. Tea drops the bottle of Dom Perignon she just bought for their anniversary. As it smashes to the ground in an orgy of bubbly froth, their daughter begins crying and asking what's that stuff dripping down the screen of her pink laptop with Dora the Explorer stickers all over it.

Probably kinda like this...


Hours later, Tea's attorney explains to him that he must go to "sex rehab" or suffer a Hollywood divorce so humiliating that Jennifer Anniston would roll over in her grave. Instead of arguing the point that Anniston is actually alive, good old Dave decides to bite the bullet, issue a press release and suffer only a minor humiliation.

But alas, poor David... we know better than that. A true sex addict would be nailing everything up and down the west coast. If you're truly a sex addict, infidelity is a 99.999999999% certainty. It's nice of your buddy to cover for you like that, but now is the time to tell everyone to keep their freakin' mouth shut. All you're doing is drawing attention to it through letting these statements slip through.

Frankly, I can see an upside to this... Just say it was method acting for your role as an oversexed jackass in "Californication." Even Tea would buy that. Fans would appreciate your Hoffman-like dedication to the role and your Emmy nomination is secure.

As for the "internet porn addiction" thing, c'mon. (Ladies, put on your earmuffs) 99.999999999% of the world's male population who don't suffer from ED and have access to their neighbor's computer are addicted to internet porn. Yep, even those who get some on a regular basis. Yep, some girls are too... I know plenty (don't worry ladies, your secret is safe with me). This MAY be a gross exaggeration, but let's be honest, most guys look at porn online on a regular basis. Don't judge them and Tea... DON'T you judge David. Even his character Mulder on the "X Files" was addicted to porn. Seriously, you didn't see this coming?

Besides, it was only method acting.

-S

13 Characteristics of Likable People

Sebastian is a public speaker and a dating guru who specializes in helping guys not only become successful with women, but helping all people reach their full potential. I heard him talk once and he's utterly captivating. He commands the attention of the room and I truly believe he changed some lives that day.

He also gives great advice, from fashion to posture, all the way up to life itself. You can find his products and info on this dating coach services (primarily for men) over at theApproach.

I got an interesting email from him the other day and it blew me away. Here is some free advice from Sebastian that we can all learn from. Take it away, bro...

"Now, 13 characteristics of likable people. You don't need to do ALL of these, just pick one or two and implement them and watch your social life improve:

1. Smiling - People who are at ease, confident, and happy tend to smile, and that smile puts people at ease. Smiling shows that you're pleased to see someone which can be really flattering. If you want to change one thing to come across more social, smile a big smile. Sometimes you will not feel in the mood to smile -however, if you choose to smile anyway you'll still get the great results.

2. Eye contact - Maintaining eye contact when you talk to someone draws them deep into conversation with you - the rest ofthe world slows down, and you both become quite important to each other. It shows a calm confidence in what they are saying and itmakes them even more engaging, almost hypnotic. A quick tip: Right eye to right eye. Look from your right eye to the right eye of the person you're talking to. This strikes a great balance between good eye contact and not staring.

3. Touch - You'll consistently see magnetic people reach out and touch others. Touching shows emotion and affection and brings you closer to other people. Humans crave physical contact with others, and more emotion and affection can be expressed through touch than any number of words ever could. Next time someone does or says something you really like, give them a high five, some "pound", a playful punch on the arm or a big hug.

4. Not talking about yourself - Likable people typically are more curious to get to know other people and don't talk about themselves as much. Likable people are always looking to find out more about the other person, what they are doing, and what interests them the most. Most people don't feel heard - likable people know this, and encourage others to talk about what they really enjoy.

5. Not talking too much - Closely related to the above point. Likable people and high status people do not talk too much. Instead they encourage others to talk and to open up. People love to talk about their experiences and cool things they've done - when you become more curious and encourage them to speak more, they'll actually like you more. If you catch yourself rambling for a while, an easy way to adjust is to say, "But that's enough about me - what about you?"

6. Empathy - Making people feel understood, and striving to truly understand them is powerful. Everyone wants to be understood. People want to know that they are not alone in the world. If you can reach out to understand another person, you'll instantly form agreat connection with them. Next time someone tells you something heavy that you could have a long discussion on, instead try saying just "I understand." You'll be amazed at how uplifting it can make other people feel.

7. Not trying to impress - Somewhat accomplished people want everyone to know about the accomplishments they've made. Really amazing people are much more humble and low key about what they've done. The most impressive people never actively try to impress people. The result is that a man trying to impress communicates that he's not impressive.

8. Showing praise and appreciation - Whenever you see anything you like in another person, let them know. If people aren't used to you opening up, praising, and appreciating constantly, you might get a funny reaction at first. Once you've established that you're constantly on the lookout for great things in others, people get used to feeling empowered around you. When you do mention something you really like, keep it casual. No big deal, no long talk. Just,"Hey, I really appreciate that you did that." "I thought that was really cool how you did that."

9. Never criticizing, ever, for any reason - Likable people never criticize others. People universally hate criticism, and hate people that criticize them. Likable people always start off with genuine praise and appreciation before trying to give constructive feedback, and will only give this feedback rarely (because likable people understand that praise is a much better way to help people change than even constructive feedback, and criticizing is almost always useless).

10. Not trying to fix other peoples' problems - When someone tells you they have a problem, but doesn't explicitly ask for yourhelp, that means they do not want you to tell them how to solve it. They want to feel understood, cared about, and empowered. Over 90%of the time, people know the solutions to their own problems. If someone brings a minor problem to you, try listening, nodding, letting them know you understand, and you're with them. Tell them you believe in them and you think they'll sort it out. If they ask what you'd do, maybe make a quick suggestion but don't drive the point really hard. As crazy as it sounds, most people do not tell others about their problems in order to get solutions; they want understanding, empathy, and reassurance. People are very strong and quite good at solving their own problems when believed in.

11. Eliminate negativity - Never mentioning anything you don't like. Especially never being down on culture-wide things outside ofyour direct control: So, not complaining about the government, pop culture, fashions you think are silly, activist groups you disagree with, and so on. Being positive is really good. Not talking about things you dislike is even more important.

12. Never complain - When people complain, others feel slightly less inclined to be around them. It brings people down. If you don't like something, you have two choices: Take action to fix it,or accept that it's there. When you realize that, there's no reason to complain.

13. Never impose weakness on others - Everyone feels down from time to time. The most charismatic people never "impose" that down feeling on others; instead, they're a fort of strength for people around them. The more you stay composed, and refrain from showing being phased or flustered, the more you gain control over your life. People start to respect you more, and they feel they can rely on you.You probably already do a lot of those - for a bonus, pick a couple more and start implementing. You'll see quick improvements right away, and long term improvements down the line.

Thanks for reading stud, and go get 'em,

Sebastian"

"Red State Update"... GOP hilarity or thinly-veiled left message?

Jackie Broyal and Dunlap have taken YouTube by storm with their redneck take on all things political. I discovered them when somebody sent me their rant urging the Democrats to hurry up and pick a candidate so they'd know who to vote against.

While these two guys might seem like the ultimate comedy middle finger to liberals, watch their videos more closely. The underlying message sounds suspiciously left.

Whatever side these guys actually root for, it's obvious their main purpose is to entertain. They are comedy actors and real Tennessee residents as you can tell by their slightly exaggerated, yet authentic accents. No matter your political affiliation, you're gonna laugh.

Here's their take on McCain's Vice Presidential choice, Sarah Palin...

"Things to Say During Sex" Chart...

Some people are Goddamn geniuses. "Miss Fipi Lele" who created this chart has blown me away. It's a work of art. Seriously. Fipi, have my babies.

Spend most of your time over at the "Bad" side. It's the most fun. Thanks to Joey Devilla by way of Kim for this one. Click on the picture for a bigger, zoomable version...


-S

For those guys who feel the need to defend a woman’s honor by imitating Steven Seagal…

Catch a clue, dudes. No matter how much you wanna be, you’re not Steven Seagal. You’re not Van Damme. Hell, you’re not even Topher Grace. How many of you have a black belt in karate? Don’t everybody raise their hands all at once. Here are a few of the stark realities of getting toasted and trying to prove your manhood to your girl, your gay lover or to yourself:

You wouldn’t do this sober

You probably grew up trying to avoid fights in your life, why start now? Besides, this ain’t the 1950’s. You can’t strut around like your redneck granddaddy did beating on nerds, homos and blacks with baseball bats without consequences. If you’ve had a thing for starting fights in the past, you probably got in a lot of trouble, got kicked out a few schools, did some time and now work part-time at a gas station out on the highway. You probably have dreams of fighting UFC matches and you haven’t started training yet because you think it’s too late, so you beat on your wife. You’re right, it IS too late and your wife will eventually take that Dixie Chicks song seriously and poison your black-eyed peas. Before you keel over, fill it up with unleaded and don’t forget to wipe the bugs off my windshield.

Any girlfriend who encourages this is a sick bitch

Girls who get off on their men beating guys in a bar to a bloody pulp probably also like electrical clamps on their nipples and inserting needles into their uterus. If they need you to fight to prove your love to them, how far are you willing to go? If you’re tired of getting your face bashed after attacking every nimrod that looks at your woman cockeyed, try this approach…

YOUR WOMAN: “Hey honey, that guy that looks like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, only with bigger biceps, pinched my ass and keeps waggling his tongue at me from across the bar. Aren’t you gonna do something about it?”

YOU: “I tell ya what I’m gonna do… I’m gonna finish this beer, walk right over to him and tell ‘em you’ll blow him in the bathroom for an Andrew Jackson. As your pimp, I get 15 bucks. It’s only fair.

You’re not as tough as you think you are:

See that skinny, balding, 120 pound dork with the coke-bottle glasses drinking a wine spritzer? He’s an ex-Navy Seal and an Olympic gold medalist in Judo. See that 350 pound guy who looks like he ate a baby for lunch and walks with a cane? That cane is actually a sword. See that awkward-looking Mexican kid at the bar? He doesn’t remember the meaning of “fear” and “pain” because his stepdad raped and beat him on a daily basis (translation: He’s handy with a switchblade and won’t stop fighting until one of you is dead).

So let’s say you’re a pretty big dude yourself and think you can handle just about anyone. Heed the words of the immortal Qui Gon Jinn who said, “There’s always a bigger fish.” Think you can beat that guy who looks like the Undertaker? Good luck. He’s got a gun.

Mr. Miyagi would not approve:

“Miyagi say student who use kara-tay in bar fight will get crane kick to face in court. Victim’s lawyer will use drum-technique and turn kara-tay against Daniel-San. ‘Bruce Lee Law’ rumor that black belt must register hand as ‘lethal weapon’ with police is urban legend. You too much TV. But, if Daniel-San strike unskilled punk at base of the neck and yell ‘JUDO CHOP!’ punk’s lawyer will sweep leg and kick Daniel-San’s balls with lawsuit. Also, kara-tay for defense only and Daniel-San must prove he ‘wax on’ before punch to prove ‘self defense’ to judge. If Daniel-San win court-tournament, he go home with trophy (breaks into a chorus of ‘Your the best… around! Nothin’s gonna ever bring ya down!’). If lose, he disgrace Miyagi-Do Kara-tay and fight next tournament against Aryan Brotherhood in San Quentin shower. Miyagi think Elizabeth Shue bitch not worth fist in rectum. Banzai!!!”

Is your girl really that worth it?

Maybe… and maybe not. What are your chances of that chick you’re screwing appreciating the jail time you spent beating on a guy who probably flattered her by making her feel wanted and desired? Great, now she’s got a violent, jailbird husband/boyfriend her mother’s going to love bitching to her about. Plus she has to bail you out with the money she was saving for a wedding dress. By then, if she has any self esteem left, she will resent you and begin looking for other options. Before you know what’s hit you; she’s already run off to Vegas with some investment banker she met off of Match.com. And she’s carrying his baby.

Chew on this statistic… Dr. Bob Lanier at Menstuff.org says that 22% of women have admitted to extramarital affairs (37% for men, but hey… we’re talking about her cheating on you). That’s MARRIED women and only the ones who ADMITTED it. Imagine what your girlfriend is doing behind your back. Probably the same thing you’re doing to her. Kinda makes you a hypocrite for wanting to kick-ass doesn’t it?

But, not everyone cheats and she may actually be worth it. If this is the case your own self esteem must be just as strong, or stronger. She’ll be impressed if you can put a guy in his place without threatening or punching (unless she digs those electric nipple clamps). If you do this for her benefit, you’re a hero. Do it to make yourself feel better and you’re a weak, insecure loser. You also need to admit when you’re the loser in a relationship and let the girl go if you blew it. If she’s worth a damn, she ain’t comin’ back to you; but you can salvage a little dignity by moving on without a fuss.

You could go to prison or worse

Let me offer up the following scenario based on true-life events… Let’s say some roid-raging asshole broke into a kid’s dorm looking for a cheating girlfriend who wasn’t even there and had no romantic association with the kid. In an alcohol (and possibly other substances)-infused rampage, the asshole grabs the kid by the neck and attempts to strangle him to death. After a couple of the kid’s friends manage to pry the prick’s hands from the kid’s neck, the kid blacks out, suffering from lack of oxygen with hemorrhages and bruises on his neck and face. Luckily the kid suffered no permanent damage.

The aftermath: The kid’s father meets with the asshole and the asshole’s father at a public place. The kid’s father, a well-connected man, explains that he could have the asshole arrested, prosecuted and put in prison for the attack, not to mention a civil lawsuit. The asshole breaks into tears and the asshole’s father pleads with the kid’s father for leniency. The kid’s father, a good Christian and a merciful man, offers a solution: “Apologize to my son, then never speak to or come near anyone in my family again or I will set the charges in motion.” The asshole and his father agree, apologize and go home, humiliated and humbled. Because the kid’s father was a peaceful man, the asshole’s family avoided a world of financial and legal hurt (not to mention hot prison buttsex for the asshole). Instead of bending over in the penal system, he got bent over in front of the community and must now live with the cowardly reputation and shame of what he did. If he plays his cards right, maybe he’ll meet a girl who likes to insert needles in her uterus.

P.S. To the asshole… You should’ve gone to jail. Straighten your act up because next time you lose your cool, you won’t be that lucky again. You should also know that while the kid’s relatives respect the deal his father made, not all of us agreed with it. Particularly, a guy named SMYTHE whom you haven’t met yet and should probably try to avoid.

Even Steven Seagal knows when to walk away

There is an urban legend in Hollywood that a drunken Jean-Claude Van Damme once challenged Steven Seagal to a fight at a tinseltown party. Seagal refused repeatedly and walked away, only to have Van Damme follow him around the party, calling him names. The result?... Seagal graciously excused himself from the party and went home. The hosts called the cops on Van Damme for being a belligerent asshole. Seagal doesn’t have the best reputation when it comes to peaceful confrontations but in this case, Mr. Miyagi would approve. We could all learn a lot from Steven Seagal. Except for the wife-beating.

For more information on Steven Seagal, peace, love and ass-kicking; visit the expert. This guy wrote a book on the dude and is the ultimate authority on all things Seagal. Click here... Vern "The Outlaw Critic"

-Smythe