So, it's been a couple of weeks since David Duchovny checked himself into rehab for sex addiction. Rumors flew about a fling with a tennis instructor bringing this whole public display of personal drama.
Now the official word from a "friend" is that he had no extramarital affairs. He was only addicted to internet porn.
Big, fuckin' whoop.
If this claim is true, this is how I see it going down...
Tea Leoni walks in from market with kid in tow to find Mulder naked in the living room jackin' it to Ron Jeremy blowing a load on Tera Patrick's face. Tea drops the bottle of Dom Perignon she just bought for their anniversary. As it smashes to the ground in an orgy of bubbly froth, their daughter begins crying and asking what's that stuff dripping down the screen of her pink laptop with Dora the Explorer stickers all over it.
Probably kinda like this...
Hours later, Tea's attorney explains to him that he must go to "sex rehab" or suffer a Hollywood divorce so humiliating that Jennifer Anniston would roll over in her grave. Instead of arguing the point that Anniston is actually alive, good old Dave decides to bite the bullet, issue a press release and suffer only a minor humiliation.
But alas, poor David... we know better than that. A true sex addict would be nailing everything up and down the west coast. If you're truly a sex addict, infidelity is a 99.999999999% certainty. It's nice of your buddy to cover for you like that, but now is the time to tell everyone to keep their freakin' mouth shut. All you're doing is drawing attention to it through letting these statements slip through.
Frankly, I can see an upside to this... Just say it was method acting for your role as an oversexed jackass in "Californication." Even Tea would buy that. Fans would appreciate your Hoffman-like dedication to the role and your Emmy nomination is secure.
As for the "internet porn addiction" thing, c'mon. (Ladies, put on your earmuffs) 99.999999999% of the world's male population who don't suffer from ED and have access to their neighbor's computer are addicted to internet porn. Yep, even those who get some on a regular basis. Yep, some girls are too... I know plenty (don't worry ladies, your secret is safe with me). This MAY be a gross exaggeration, but let's be honest, most guys look at porn online on a regular basis. Don't judge them and Tea... DON'T you judge David. Even his character Mulder on the "X Files" was addicted to porn. Seriously, you didn't see this coming?
Besides, it was only method acting.
-S
No comments:
Post a Comment