"Things to Say During Sex" Chart...

Some people are Goddamn geniuses. "Miss Fipi Lele" who created this chart has blown me away. It's a work of art. Seriously. Fipi, have my babies.

Spend most of your time over at the "Bad" side. It's the most fun. Thanks to Joey Devilla by way of Kim for this one. Click on the picture for a bigger, zoomable version...


-S

For those guys who feel the need to defend a woman’s honor by imitating Steven Seagal…

Catch a clue, dudes. No matter how much you wanna be, you’re not Steven Seagal. You’re not Van Damme. Hell, you’re not even Topher Grace. How many of you have a black belt in karate? Don’t everybody raise their hands all at once. Here are a few of the stark realities of getting toasted and trying to prove your manhood to your girl, your gay lover or to yourself:

You wouldn’t do this sober

You probably grew up trying to avoid fights in your life, why start now? Besides, this ain’t the 1950’s. You can’t strut around like your redneck granddaddy did beating on nerds, homos and blacks with baseball bats without consequences. If you’ve had a thing for starting fights in the past, you probably got in a lot of trouble, got kicked out a few schools, did some time and now work part-time at a gas station out on the highway. You probably have dreams of fighting UFC matches and you haven’t started training yet because you think it’s too late, so you beat on your wife. You’re right, it IS too late and your wife will eventually take that Dixie Chicks song seriously and poison your black-eyed peas. Before you keel over, fill it up with unleaded and don’t forget to wipe the bugs off my windshield.

Any girlfriend who encourages this is a sick bitch

Girls who get off on their men beating guys in a bar to a bloody pulp probably also like electrical clamps on their nipples and inserting needles into their uterus. If they need you to fight to prove your love to them, how far are you willing to go? If you’re tired of getting your face bashed after attacking every nimrod that looks at your woman cockeyed, try this approach…

YOUR WOMAN: “Hey honey, that guy that looks like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, only with bigger biceps, pinched my ass and keeps waggling his tongue at me from across the bar. Aren’t you gonna do something about it?”

YOU: “I tell ya what I’m gonna do… I’m gonna finish this beer, walk right over to him and tell ‘em you’ll blow him in the bathroom for an Andrew Jackson. As your pimp, I get 15 bucks. It’s only fair.

You’re not as tough as you think you are:

See that skinny, balding, 120 pound dork with the coke-bottle glasses drinking a wine spritzer? He’s an ex-Navy Seal and an Olympic gold medalist in Judo. See that 350 pound guy who looks like he ate a baby for lunch and walks with a cane? That cane is actually a sword. See that awkward-looking Mexican kid at the bar? He doesn’t remember the meaning of “fear” and “pain” because his stepdad raped and beat him on a daily basis (translation: He’s handy with a switchblade and won’t stop fighting until one of you is dead).

So let’s say you’re a pretty big dude yourself and think you can handle just about anyone. Heed the words of the immortal Qui Gon Jinn who said, “There’s always a bigger fish.” Think you can beat that guy who looks like the Undertaker? Good luck. He’s got a gun.

Mr. Miyagi would not approve:

“Miyagi say student who use kara-tay in bar fight will get crane kick to face in court. Victim’s lawyer will use drum-technique and turn kara-tay against Daniel-San. ‘Bruce Lee Law’ rumor that black belt must register hand as ‘lethal weapon’ with police is urban legend. You too much TV. But, if Daniel-San strike unskilled punk at base of the neck and yell ‘JUDO CHOP!’ punk’s lawyer will sweep leg and kick Daniel-San’s balls with lawsuit. Also, kara-tay for defense only and Daniel-San must prove he ‘wax on’ before punch to prove ‘self defense’ to judge. If Daniel-San win court-tournament, he go home with trophy (breaks into a chorus of ‘Your the best… around! Nothin’s gonna ever bring ya down!’). If lose, he disgrace Miyagi-Do Kara-tay and fight next tournament against Aryan Brotherhood in San Quentin shower. Miyagi think Elizabeth Shue bitch not worth fist in rectum. Banzai!!!”

Is your girl really that worth it?

Maybe… and maybe not. What are your chances of that chick you’re screwing appreciating the jail time you spent beating on a guy who probably flattered her by making her feel wanted and desired? Great, now she’s got a violent, jailbird husband/boyfriend her mother’s going to love bitching to her about. Plus she has to bail you out with the money she was saving for a wedding dress. By then, if she has any self esteem left, she will resent you and begin looking for other options. Before you know what’s hit you; she’s already run off to Vegas with some investment banker she met off of Match.com. And she’s carrying his baby.

Chew on this statistic… Dr. Bob Lanier at Menstuff.org says that 22% of women have admitted to extramarital affairs (37% for men, but hey… we’re talking about her cheating on you). That’s MARRIED women and only the ones who ADMITTED it. Imagine what your girlfriend is doing behind your back. Probably the same thing you’re doing to her. Kinda makes you a hypocrite for wanting to kick-ass doesn’t it?

But, not everyone cheats and she may actually be worth it. If this is the case your own self esteem must be just as strong, or stronger. She’ll be impressed if you can put a guy in his place without threatening or punching (unless she digs those electric nipple clamps). If you do this for her benefit, you’re a hero. Do it to make yourself feel better and you’re a weak, insecure loser. You also need to admit when you’re the loser in a relationship and let the girl go if you blew it. If she’s worth a damn, she ain’t comin’ back to you; but you can salvage a little dignity by moving on without a fuss.

You could go to prison or worse

Let me offer up the following scenario based on true-life events… Let’s say some roid-raging asshole broke into a kid’s dorm looking for a cheating girlfriend who wasn’t even there and had no romantic association with the kid. In an alcohol (and possibly other substances)-infused rampage, the asshole grabs the kid by the neck and attempts to strangle him to death. After a couple of the kid’s friends manage to pry the prick’s hands from the kid’s neck, the kid blacks out, suffering from lack of oxygen with hemorrhages and bruises on his neck and face. Luckily the kid suffered no permanent damage.

The aftermath: The kid’s father meets with the asshole and the asshole’s father at a public place. The kid’s father, a well-connected man, explains that he could have the asshole arrested, prosecuted and put in prison for the attack, not to mention a civil lawsuit. The asshole breaks into tears and the asshole’s father pleads with the kid’s father for leniency. The kid’s father, a good Christian and a merciful man, offers a solution: “Apologize to my son, then never speak to or come near anyone in my family again or I will set the charges in motion.” The asshole and his father agree, apologize and go home, humiliated and humbled. Because the kid’s father was a peaceful man, the asshole’s family avoided a world of financial and legal hurt (not to mention hot prison buttsex for the asshole). Instead of bending over in the penal system, he got bent over in front of the community and must now live with the cowardly reputation and shame of what he did. If he plays his cards right, maybe he’ll meet a girl who likes to insert needles in her uterus.

P.S. To the asshole… You should’ve gone to jail. Straighten your act up because next time you lose your cool, you won’t be that lucky again. You should also know that while the kid’s relatives respect the deal his father made, not all of us agreed with it. Particularly, a guy named SMYTHE whom you haven’t met yet and should probably try to avoid.

Even Steven Seagal knows when to walk away

There is an urban legend in Hollywood that a drunken Jean-Claude Van Damme once challenged Steven Seagal to a fight at a tinseltown party. Seagal refused repeatedly and walked away, only to have Van Damme follow him around the party, calling him names. The result?... Seagal graciously excused himself from the party and went home. The hosts called the cops on Van Damme for being a belligerent asshole. Seagal doesn’t have the best reputation when it comes to peaceful confrontations but in this case, Mr. Miyagi would approve. We could all learn a lot from Steven Seagal. Except for the wife-beating.

For more information on Steven Seagal, peace, love and ass-kicking; visit the expert. This guy wrote a book on the dude and is the ultimate authority on all things Seagal. Click here... Vern "The Outlaw Critic"

-Smythe

The Bolivar Ballers = The new Beastie Boys?

Remember way back when the Beastie Boys were considered a novelty act? Nobody thought the white rappers would have any longevity, even though knowing all the words to their song "Paul Revere" was required for jr. high kids back in 1986. If you didn't know it, you'd get pantsed in front of all the girls and no one would ever think you were cool. Then they became Grammy winners. Then Mike D got hit in the head, developed amnesia and thought he was a country singer. Seriously.

In 2007, a few white college students got together at Delta State University in Cleveland, Mississippi and created a rap video for a media class project. The result: A track titled "Sippin' on Dat Lean," with "Lean" of course being street slang for "Robotussin." They got an "A" on the project and their first viral hit on the web. Soon after, C Lo, Trouble J and A Baby cut their second hit titled "Rob Anotha Bank" with another video soon following. This guys are playing it for yuks, producing their own music and videos and they dance about as bad as whitey can, but I gotta say, there's somethin' to these guys and their catchy tunes. They sure got that wannabe gangster cliche down pat. Hey, even the Beastie Boys had to start somewhere. Check them out at http://www.myspace.com/bolivarballers

And check out their video that started it all "Sippin' on Dat Lean..."
Sippin on dat lean

Alexyss Tylor to fans: "Wash Yo Nuts!"

There is no ending for my love of this woman. Alexyss Tylor hosts a show on Atlanta public access called "Vagina Power" where she rants ghetto style about the nastiest aspects of sex in front of her horrified mother. She starts off all poised and clinical, but once she gets going, she she lets it fly fast and graphic. Her ramblings will leave you twitching on the floor in heaving fits of laughter. Here is one of her off-set rants that's so gross and off the wall that not even the cameraman can keep it together...

If you thought that was hilarious, go to youtube and pull up every video you can find of Ms. Tylor. Every one of them is golden, especially when she's sayin' this stuff in front of her mama. God bless you, Alexyss. I will forever be a fan.

Here's one more bizarre Halloween video of her talkin' about men rationing out dick "just like they ration out that damn government cheese in the projects." <~~~ her mama's reaction to this line is freakin' priceless...

Greatest douchebag phone message ever...

This voicemail message had me rolling. Somebody turned me onto this one from the site www.holytaco.com. Apparently this guy Dmitri met this girl Olga at a bar in San Fransico. She foolishly gave him her number resulting in these unbelievably insane messages. I'd love to meet this guy and see what he's like in person.

Then laugh at him....


http://view.break.com/527579 - Watch more free videos

-C

NEWS?

Here are the latest headlines that have me scratching my head as to what's really import in the news today...

Colorado Man Charged With Posing as Porn Inspector <~~~ Why didn't I think of this?

Prof Accused of Giving Higher Grades for Sexual Favors<~~~ Isn't this how it's usually done?

Hagel won't endorse McCain or Obama <~~~ Go ahead... Vote for a third party... Throw your vote away! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

BURGER KING Employee caught taking bath -- in restaurant sink! <~~~ At least he took one.

GOOGLE Street View captures drunk! <~~~ I was there for three days and nobody bothered to wake me up.

Gwyneth snubs benefit crowd <~~~ Bitch.

At 50, has Madonna surpassed the Beatles? <~~~ NO.

House-sized inflatable dog turd breaks moorings and escapes <~~~ Yeah, they'll do that.

Science close to revealing Invisible Man <~~~ Fools! You can't reveal him if you can't see him!

AND THE WINNER IS...

19 terrifying incidents involving fish <~~~ And only 8 of them happened to me.

-S

Open letter to women: Stop f**king smoking!!!

So many girls smoke and I'm sick of it. The habit seems about 60% worse in the South than it does in Los Angeles (surprising to some, I know), but in fact it's everywhere.

Now I have vices: booze, women, red meat, porn, etc...

But smoking has to be one of the nastiest habits since Chief Massasoit "smoke-um peace-pipe" with the Pilgrims in Plymouth. In case you chicks haven't figured out a reason to stop immediately, I'm obliged to point out a few...

1. MEN HATE KISSING YOU

It's true. Especially for a non-smoker, the result can be gag inducing. You're lucky if I've been drinking because it won't bother me as much, but even after twelve shots of Jameson it still tastes nasty. Oh God... and in the morning, go brush your teeth immediately. The mixture of the nicotine and all that bacteria in your mouth form a foul concoction that smells (and tastes) vaguely of dog squeeze. Until I brush and floss several times, I can STILL taste it in my mouth. I can't express how gross it is to run the floss through and suddenly re-taste that foulness a couple of days later.

2. YOUR TEETH AND GUMS LOOK LIKE A MUMMY'S I SAW IN A MUSEUM ONCE

That could just be the anorexia/bulimia talkin' (seriously, go look at Calista Flockhart's teeth), but yes we can see the discoloration. There was this chick in college that turned my stomach. Firstly, she was obese and unsightly. Secondly, she smoked like my Grandma's picnic table when I set it on fire at 10 years-old. Thirdly, her gums and teeth were discolored so badly, I felt like I could smell her breath from across campus. I just noticed her on Facebook the other day, first time I've seen her in probably ten years and I swear I could still smell it. Now THAT'S a powerful memory. No way I'm accepting her friend request.

3. IT STINKS UP MY CAR

And you ain't gettin' in with that thing lit.

4. I WILL OUTLIVE YOU

Do you see how much I drink? Yeah, well at least I can get a liver transplant.

5. I WILL OUTLAST YOU IN BED

And roll over quite unsatisfied as you cough up phlegm on my new sheets. I can also blow out candles from across the room. Beat that.

6. I WILL NOT GO OUTSIDE TO KEEP YOU COMPANY WHILE YOU LIGHT UP

I'm too busy drinking and hanging with friends. Plus if I hang around you too long, your fumes will stink up my nice clothes and I want to get another night or two out of them cause I hate doing laundry. And I can't go to sleep with that smell on me, so I'll have to take a shower before going to bed which sucks cause I just took one to go out. (Wow, I'm getting really angry just writing this)

7. NO, I WILL NOT WATCH YOUR PURSE/STUFF WHILE YOU GO OUTSIDE TO SMOKE

In fact, I might steal ten bucks for a really expensive shot then leave it to be pillaged by hookers, transvestites and fat dudes with really bad cold sores that like your shade of lipstick. Oh, and I'm onto your trick of not telling me you're going and leaving it there to trap me into watching it. Do that and I'll make of point of walking away to teach you a lesson.

8. YOU'RE PROBABLY SPREADING GINGIVITIS

Yes, it's contageous. With your mouth all filthy, propagating all those germs, you've probably got it. Kiss some guy, you're probably gonna give it to him. I've gotten it from girls who smoked. If you're going to continue this habit, you better take immaculate care of your teeth. I'm talking the Sonicare toothbrush, floss, mouthwash, tongue scraper, whitening strips, blowtorch... the whole works.

9. THERE ARE HEALTHIER WAYS TO STAY THIN

I know you like your hot, trim figure. I like it too. I would say, "Stop smoking and lay off the cupcakes," but that'd be mean. I like cupcakes too. Instead, how about, "Stop smoking and lay off the McDonald's dollar menu." That sounds better. And go to the gym every day for at least an hour. That helps too.

10. YOU SOUND LIKE MY GRANDMA

Or rather what my 85 year-old Grandma would sound like if she had been smoking as long as you. She never smoked and she has a sweet voice. Raspy voices can be sexy. Hell, Lauren Bacall intentionally damaged her vocal chords by smoking to change her high-pitched squeaky voice to the sultry one that made her famous. Now she sounds like a man. I swear to God, she and Humphrey Bogart have a disease named after them. "Bogart-Bacall Syndrome" or "BSS" attributed to people who permanently damage their voices (through smoking and/or strain) to purposefully give their voice a deeper sound. If start sounding like a man, I'm dumping you. I don't date dudes.

How do you quit? I dunno. What am I, a doctor?

Gum, inhalers, hypnotism, chocolate, Zyban, accupuncture... yeah, try all that.

But be warned, as Homer Simpson says, "Going 'cold turkey' isn't as delicious as it sounds."


-Smythe