So many girls smoke and I'm sick of it. The habit seems about 60% worse in the South than it does in Los Angeles (surprising to some, I know), but in fact it's everywhere.
Now I have vices: booze, women, red meat, porn, etc...
But smoking has to be one of the nastiest habits since Chief Massasoit "smoke-um peace-pipe" with the Pilgrims in Plymouth. In case you chicks haven't figured out a reason to stop immediately, I'm obliged to point out a few...
1. MEN HATE KISSING YOU
It's true. Especially for a non-smoker, the result can be gag inducing. You're lucky if I've been drinking because it won't bother me as much, but even after twelve shots of Jameson it still tastes nasty. Oh God... and in the morning, go brush your teeth immediately. The mixture of the nicotine and all that bacteria in your mouth form a foul concoction that smells (and tastes) vaguely of dog squeeze. Until I brush and floss several times, I can STILL taste it in my mouth. I can't express how gross it is to run the floss through and suddenly re-taste that foulness a couple of days later.
2. YOUR TEETH AND GUMS LOOK LIKE A MUMMY'S I SAW IN A MUSEUM ONCE
That could just be the anorexia/bulimia talkin' (seriously, go look at Calista Flockhart's teeth), but yes we can see the discoloration. There was this chick in college that turned my stomach. Firstly, she was obese and unsightly. Secondly, she smoked like my Grandma's picnic table when I set it on fire at 10 years-old. Thirdly, her gums and teeth were discolored so badly, I felt like I could smell her breath from across campus. I just noticed her on Facebook the other day, first time I've seen her in probably ten years and I swear I could still smell it. Now THAT'S a powerful memory. No way I'm accepting her friend request.
3. IT STINKS UP MY CAR
And you ain't gettin' in with that thing lit.
4. I WILL OUTLIVE YOU
Do you see how much I drink? Yeah, well at least I can get a liver transplant.
5. I WILL OUTLAST YOU IN BED
And roll over quite unsatisfied as you cough up phlegm on my new sheets. I can also blow out candles from across the room. Beat that.
6. I WILL NOT GO OUTSIDE TO KEEP YOU COMPANY WHILE YOU LIGHT UP
I'm too busy drinking and hanging with friends. Plus if I hang around you too long, your fumes will stink up my nice clothes and I want to get another night or two out of them cause I hate doing laundry. And I can't go to sleep with that smell on me, so I'll have to take a shower before going to bed which sucks cause I just took one to go out. (Wow, I'm getting really angry just writing this)
7. NO, I WILL NOT WATCH YOUR PURSE/STUFF WHILE YOU GO OUTSIDE TO SMOKE
In fact, I might steal ten bucks for a really expensive shot then leave it to be pillaged by hookers, transvestites and fat dudes with really bad cold sores that like your shade of lipstick. Oh, and I'm onto your trick of not telling me you're going and leaving it there to trap me into watching it. Do that and I'll make of point of walking away to teach you a lesson.
8. YOU'RE PROBABLY SPREADING GINGIVITIS
Yes, it's contageous. With your mouth all filthy, propagating all those germs, you've probably got it. Kiss some guy, you're probably gonna give it to him. I've gotten it from girls who smoked. If you're going to continue this habit, you better take immaculate care of your teeth. I'm talking the Sonicare toothbrush, floss, mouthwash, tongue scraper, whitening strips, blowtorch... the whole works.
9. THERE ARE HEALTHIER WAYS TO STAY THIN
I know you like your hot, trim figure. I like it too. I would say, "Stop smoking and lay off the cupcakes," but that'd be mean. I like cupcakes too. Instead, how about, "Stop smoking and lay off the McDonald's dollar menu." That sounds better. And go to the gym every day for at least an hour. That helps too.
10. YOU SOUND LIKE MY GRANDMA
Or rather what my 85 year-old Grandma would sound like if she had been smoking as long as you. She never smoked and she has a sweet voice. Raspy voices can be sexy. Hell, Lauren Bacall intentionally damaged her vocal chords by smoking to change her high-pitched squeaky voice to the sultry one that made her famous. Now she sounds like a man. I swear to God, she and Humphrey Bogart have a disease named after them. "Bogart-Bacall Syndrome" or "BSS" attributed to people who permanently damage their voices (through smoking and/or strain) to purposefully give their voice a deeper sound. If start sounding like a man, I'm dumping you. I don't date dudes.
How do you quit? I dunno. What am I, a doctor?
Gum, inhalers, hypnotism, chocolate, Zyban, accupuncture... yeah, try all that.
But be warned, as Homer Simpson says, "Going 'cold turkey' isn't as delicious as it sounds."
-Smythe
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