For those guys who feel the need to defend a woman’s honor by imitating Steven Seagal…

Catch a clue, dudes. No matter how much you wanna be, you’re not Steven Seagal. You’re not Van Damme. Hell, you’re not even Topher Grace. How many of you have a black belt in karate? Don’t everybody raise their hands all at once. Here are a few of the stark realities of getting toasted and trying to prove your manhood to your girl, your gay lover or to yourself:

You wouldn’t do this sober

You probably grew up trying to avoid fights in your life, why start now? Besides, this ain’t the 1950’s. You can’t strut around like your redneck granddaddy did beating on nerds, homos and blacks with baseball bats without consequences. If you’ve had a thing for starting fights in the past, you probably got in a lot of trouble, got kicked out a few schools, did some time and now work part-time at a gas station out on the highway. You probably have dreams of fighting UFC matches and you haven’t started training yet because you think it’s too late, so you beat on your wife. You’re right, it IS too late and your wife will eventually take that Dixie Chicks song seriously and poison your black-eyed peas. Before you keel over, fill it up with unleaded and don’t forget to wipe the bugs off my windshield.

Any girlfriend who encourages this is a sick bitch

Girls who get off on their men beating guys in a bar to a bloody pulp probably also like electrical clamps on their nipples and inserting needles into their uterus. If they need you to fight to prove your love to them, how far are you willing to go? If you’re tired of getting your face bashed after attacking every nimrod that looks at your woman cockeyed, try this approach…

YOUR WOMAN: “Hey honey, that guy that looks like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, only with bigger biceps, pinched my ass and keeps waggling his tongue at me from across the bar. Aren’t you gonna do something about it?”

YOU: “I tell ya what I’m gonna do… I’m gonna finish this beer, walk right over to him and tell ‘em you’ll blow him in the bathroom for an Andrew Jackson. As your pimp, I get 15 bucks. It’s only fair.

You’re not as tough as you think you are:

See that skinny, balding, 120 pound dork with the coke-bottle glasses drinking a wine spritzer? He’s an ex-Navy Seal and an Olympic gold medalist in Judo. See that 350 pound guy who looks like he ate a baby for lunch and walks with a cane? That cane is actually a sword. See that awkward-looking Mexican kid at the bar? He doesn’t remember the meaning of “fear” and “pain” because his stepdad raped and beat him on a daily basis (translation: He’s handy with a switchblade and won’t stop fighting until one of you is dead).

So let’s say you’re a pretty big dude yourself and think you can handle just about anyone. Heed the words of the immortal Qui Gon Jinn who said, “There’s always a bigger fish.” Think you can beat that guy who looks like the Undertaker? Good luck. He’s got a gun.

Mr. Miyagi would not approve:

“Miyagi say student who use kara-tay in bar fight will get crane kick to face in court. Victim’s lawyer will use drum-technique and turn kara-tay against Daniel-San. ‘Bruce Lee Law’ rumor that black belt must register hand as ‘lethal weapon’ with police is urban legend. You too much TV. But, if Daniel-San strike unskilled punk at base of the neck and yell ‘JUDO CHOP!’ punk’s lawyer will sweep leg and kick Daniel-San’s balls with lawsuit. Also, kara-tay for defense only and Daniel-San must prove he ‘wax on’ before punch to prove ‘self defense’ to judge. If Daniel-San win court-tournament, he go home with trophy (breaks into a chorus of ‘Your the best… around! Nothin’s gonna ever bring ya down!’). If lose, he disgrace Miyagi-Do Kara-tay and fight next tournament against Aryan Brotherhood in San Quentin shower. Miyagi think Elizabeth Shue bitch not worth fist in rectum. Banzai!!!”

Is your girl really that worth it?

Maybe… and maybe not. What are your chances of that chick you’re screwing appreciating the jail time you spent beating on a guy who probably flattered her by making her feel wanted and desired? Great, now she’s got a violent, jailbird husband/boyfriend her mother’s going to love bitching to her about. Plus she has to bail you out with the money she was saving for a wedding dress. By then, if she has any self esteem left, she will resent you and begin looking for other options. Before you know what’s hit you; she’s already run off to Vegas with some investment banker she met off of Match.com. And she’s carrying his baby.

Chew on this statistic… Dr. Bob Lanier at Menstuff.org says that 22% of women have admitted to extramarital affairs (37% for men, but hey… we’re talking about her cheating on you). That’s MARRIED women and only the ones who ADMITTED it. Imagine what your girlfriend is doing behind your back. Probably the same thing you’re doing to her. Kinda makes you a hypocrite for wanting to kick-ass doesn’t it?

But, not everyone cheats and she may actually be worth it. If this is the case your own self esteem must be just as strong, or stronger. She’ll be impressed if you can put a guy in his place without threatening or punching (unless she digs those electric nipple clamps). If you do this for her benefit, you’re a hero. Do it to make yourself feel better and you’re a weak, insecure loser. You also need to admit when you’re the loser in a relationship and let the girl go if you blew it. If she’s worth a damn, she ain’t comin’ back to you; but you can salvage a little dignity by moving on without a fuss.

You could go to prison or worse

Let me offer up the following scenario based on true-life events… Let’s say some roid-raging asshole broke into a kid’s dorm looking for a cheating girlfriend who wasn’t even there and had no romantic association with the kid. In an alcohol (and possibly other substances)-infused rampage, the asshole grabs the kid by the neck and attempts to strangle him to death. After a couple of the kid’s friends manage to pry the prick’s hands from the kid’s neck, the kid blacks out, suffering from lack of oxygen with hemorrhages and bruises on his neck and face. Luckily the kid suffered no permanent damage.

The aftermath: The kid’s father meets with the asshole and the asshole’s father at a public place. The kid’s father, a well-connected man, explains that he could have the asshole arrested, prosecuted and put in prison for the attack, not to mention a civil lawsuit. The asshole breaks into tears and the asshole’s father pleads with the kid’s father for leniency. The kid’s father, a good Christian and a merciful man, offers a solution: “Apologize to my son, then never speak to or come near anyone in my family again or I will set the charges in motion.” The asshole and his father agree, apologize and go home, humiliated and humbled. Because the kid’s father was a peaceful man, the asshole’s family avoided a world of financial and legal hurt (not to mention hot prison buttsex for the asshole). Instead of bending over in the penal system, he got bent over in front of the community and must now live with the cowardly reputation and shame of what he did. If he plays his cards right, maybe he’ll meet a girl who likes to insert needles in her uterus.

P.S. To the asshole… You should’ve gone to jail. Straighten your act up because next time you lose your cool, you won’t be that lucky again. You should also know that while the kid’s relatives respect the deal his father made, not all of us agreed with it. Particularly, a guy named SMYTHE whom you haven’t met yet and should probably try to avoid.

Even Steven Seagal knows when to walk away

There is an urban legend in Hollywood that a drunken Jean-Claude Van Damme once challenged Steven Seagal to a fight at a tinseltown party. Seagal refused repeatedly and walked away, only to have Van Damme follow him around the party, calling him names. The result?... Seagal graciously excused himself from the party and went home. The hosts called the cops on Van Damme for being a belligerent asshole. Seagal doesn’t have the best reputation when it comes to peaceful confrontations but in this case, Mr. Miyagi would approve. We could all learn a lot from Steven Seagal. Except for the wife-beating.

For more information on Steven Seagal, peace, love and ass-kicking; visit the expert. This guy wrote a book on the dude and is the ultimate authority on all things Seagal. Click here... Vern "The Outlaw Critic"

-Smythe